I lost my friends; can you help me?

Look I am not always, that fit, but 80-90% of the year I do look like this.
Dear future fren,

if you are reading this, please make sure to contact me via that formular down below. It would mean a lot to me. Ever since my washing-maschine got connected to my Nitrophone, my life got turned upside down. My washing-machine is holding me hostage, stole my cryptos and my second identity. My address-book also was left out bleeding dry, the evil washing-machine lost all my kryptos, contacts and second identity.

Maybe you could add yourself in my address book? That would be awesome, many thanks in advance for easing my pain. You see I am strong; I might be able to through a rock with you at your enemies but my heart bleeds because Athena (the washing machine) is harming me. Or do you think violence is not the option? Plus, don't forget I have a third eye. How cool is that, a friend with a third eye? 

Whats your special power? Please let me know in the formular. 

Best Regards,
Able D. Paryon

Ps: Even if you don't fill out this formular, I wish that your dreams which you set foryourself come true one day. I truly hope, that you will make it. I believe in you.